My husband and I separated about 5.5 years ago. We avoided each other and had other relationships. Two weeks ago, we found each other on facebook and started talking. We admitted that we still love each other. We have spent some time together and it's felt right. We both have come to realize that although we love each other, we are not in love but think that we could easily fall back in love again. Our problem is that we our sex life before was so powerful. He spent the night last night and we said before hand that we would not have sex. Well, we tried and although it felt good it was not the same. We stopped and talked about it. We are still going to continue seeing each other but I  am afraid that we will not get that passion back. We were married for 4 years before we separated. He cheated and I was so devastated that I walked away and refused to have any contact with him. I have forgiven him long ago. I actually trust him again. The jealousy and insecurity is gone. We talk a lot about what happened to cause our separation and the things that have happened while we were separated. We both agree that although we are not unhappy in our lives now, neither of us have ever been as happy as we were when we were together. I have not lived with a man since him but he has lived with another woman.  That relationship really had no chance because he always compared her to me. We  know that we are both to blame for our original separation. We want to fall in love and have that passion again so much so that we are afraid we are forcing it on ourselves. Spending the day together and talking about our lives and our plans for our future together feels the same as it did before we separated.  We both feel that passion when we kiss. We want to have a baby together, but want to have our marriage intact and strong before. I have 3 children who are now grown however, this was never an issue. I am 40 and he is 33. I believe we have both grown as individual people in the last 5 years. Is it possible to reconnect after such a long separation? Is it normal to not automatically connect with your spouse after being apart for years?

Judge Neil's Advice

I do believe that it is possible to reconnect with someone that you were with.  It sounds like the both of you are on the same page of wanting to try again and also communicating so I think you have a good chance to make it work.

Keep in mind this is a NEW relationship.  Who you were before and who he was before is not the same.  Instinctively you may both want to reclassify yourselves back into those roles.  My advice is to start over.  When you look at him look at him with fresh eyes and ask him to do the same.  Get to know each other again.  It is nice that you have a history, but don't use that as the basis of the relationship.  You both may be putting pressure on the relationship by comparing too much to the past.

I would not worry about the sex part right now.  You said you feel passion when you kiss and that is good.  I think when you start to treat each other like new relationship interests and stop thinking of yourselves as the couple of the past the sex will get better.  Get to know each other in all ways even sex.  Maybe your tastes have changed or maybe you like things a little different?  Maybe he does too?  From everything you describe I don't think the sex will be an issue.

As far as kids I would throw up a caution flag.  Throwing out the fact that you were a couple before I think that you should be together for some time before bringing kids in.  I think it can be great to add kids in, but you have to be sure this relationship will work.  This is a NEW relationship.  At your age I am not sure the timing works out.  I am not saying don't.  Just saying CAUTION.

With regard to your last question is it possible to reconnect the answer is yes, but be careful with the terminology.  Are you really reconnecting or starting over.  I guess if it was 1 year later you could reconnect.  After 5.5 years and a few relationships in between it is really starting over.  It may actually be a little harder because there is baggage to contend with.  But as I said, you sound like you have a good communication path to your ex.  If you can communicate and have passion for each other (you get some do overs on the sex) then I think you can make it.  

If two people never give up on a relationship it can never fail...